Episode 245: I Deserve This

I remember day after day wanting to lose weight so bad.

I’d wake up, swear I was going to be “good,” and head off to face a day filled with putting out fires and rushing around dealing with way too much for one woman to handle.

I was the “go to” person to get shit done:

  • Corinne will handle it.
  • Corinne’s good under pressure.
  • Mommy is the only person I want right now.

Hell, if my cat could talk, I’m sure she would say that I’m the only one who can clean the cat box EXACTLY as she needs it to do her business.

Then, night after night, I’d find myself unwinding with a few glasses of wine or a big ass bowl of cereal (and I mean BIG).

All the while thinking, “I deserve this.”

What a fucking messed-up message that is. Do you know what I deserved?

✓ Telling myself what a baller I was at the end of the day instead of thinking I didn’t get enough done.

✓ An honest conversation with people in my life about what I needed help with (instead of choosing not to look weak or put people out).

✓ I also deserved to lose the weight I wanted to and end the day proud instead of constantly swearing that tomorrow would be better.

Too many women are struggling with this. So I decided to dedicate a podcast to the “I deserve to eat this” mentality.

I’ll tell you…

  • Why we reward ourselves with food.
  • How to break the habit of eating when you need comfort and relaxation.
  • Where the BS idea that women have to do ALL THE THINGS to be good enough came from.

Click here to listen to Episode 245: I Deserve This.

Episode Transcript

Corinne:

Hi, I’m Corinne. After a lifetime of obesity, being bullied for being the fattest kid in the class, and losing and gaining weight like it was my job, I finally got my shit together and I lost 100 pounds. Each week, I’ll teach you no bullshit weight loss advice you can use to overcome your battle with weight. I keep it simple. You’ll learn how to quit eating and thinking like an asshole. You stop that, and weight loss becomes easy. My goal is to help you lose weight the way you want to live your life. If you are ready to figure out weight loss, then let’s go.

Corinne:

All right, everybody, welcome back. Today, we’re going to talk about something that I think all of us do, I know I’ve done this, and if you listened to our last podcast on drinking, this is one of those thoughts that comes up a lot, which is, I deserve to eat this. I deserve this. I deserve to drink this, whatever it is. And I wanted to do this one because when I’m inside the No BS Weight Loss membership, so the way that our clients go through the program, they share a lot in the Facebook group and inside of our membership portal in our Ask Coaches section. They’ll find patterns of overeating, and then we have special worksheets where we ask them to dig into, so what do you remember? What was going on? And it helps unwind what’s happening.

Corinne:

And very often people post, “I keep finding this pattern of, I wake up every single day with good intentions, I make my plan, Corinne. I know my why’s. I know how important this is to me. I have a goal.” All the things. And yet, the end of the day, they’re overeating and it comes back to a thought of, “I deserve this.”

Corinne:

So I just wanted to dig in today a little bit on the podcast. Number one, to kind of help our No BS women who struggle with this, so that this is a resource for all of you, and we can discuss it further inside the Facebook group. So if you post me and the coaches, we will be happy to talk more about this. If you want to post it in Ask Coaches, inside the membership, if you’re not a Facebook member, take what you learn from this podcast, how it relates to you, take it to Ask Coaches, put it in there and one of the coaches will work with you through this.

Corinne:

But I want to just talk a little bit about h ow “I deserve this” plays out, why it might. I just want to normalize it a little bit, and then give all of you a couple of easy ways for you to address this, because I don’t want… Well, let me just start with some of the reasons why this happens, and then you’ll understand where I really want to go.

Corinne:

One of the things that we do with food, as women notoriously, is we use food to compensate for a lack of being able to be proud of ourselves, to celebrate ourselves, to acknowledge things that we’re doing, to step into pride. And I know this sounds crazy and it doesn’t seem like it would be, but I know a lot of you also can resonate with this. And I think, Kathy, you’re actually a really good person to be on this podcast with because one of the things that I think you and I, so if y’all don’t know, I’ve worked with Kathy for a long time. First, we started out in a like, “I’m the weight loss coach and you are the weight loss mentee. I’m going to help you there.”

Corinne:

And then, Kathy works for me now, and so we have a very different relationship that has evolved over time. And especially when Kathy started working for me, one of the sticking points that she had for a long time was, it was really hard for her to truly acknowledge and be proud of herself. Do you agree with that?

Kathy:

Absolutely.

Corinne:

I mean, you’ve got to go back like three or four years. I mean, you have transcended greatly.

Kathy:

Well, I will say, it is still my work to understand my greatness, and just saying that makes me very uncomfortable. I know, I know, the tears are coming, Corinne. I know intellectually that I produce a lot of value for this business. I really, really do. I’m very good at my job. I’m good at just about everything you give me, just about, not everything, can’t write sales copy, but that’s okay, can’t have it all.

Kathy:

But it did take a very long time for me to acknowledge that I do things right, as well as make mistakes, because all I ever wanted to see was, all I ever wanted to ever pay attention to was, where I screwed up.

Corinne:

Yeah.

Kathy:

It was like, my father used to say, “One ah shit wipes out a hundred atta boys.” And that was my belief system.

Corinne:

Yeah.

Kathy:

I’m not so sure it’s still not that, that belief system. So when I would have a really bad day, I would have that thought, it’s been a bad day. Of course, a bad day is relative, right? Could have been 99% amazing, and one mistake, and in my mind it was a bad day.

Corinne:

Well, I think you bring up a good point, and I think that’s one of the things about like, there’s a lot that I want to dig into on, “I deserve this,” but just even how the brain works. Our brains are very much, there’s a couple components that happen. Number one is your brain is naturally wired to figure out what’s wrong with you.

Kathy:

Yeah. We’re problem solvers, by nature.

Corinne:

Yeah. Well, and thousands of years ago, that was super helpful. You needed to know if something was wrong with your ass, or the tribe would kick you out, and you would be lunch for the pumas. You needed to know if you needed to get your act straight. The other thing that had happens is that we also have something called the reticular active, I sometimes I say activating system, some people say activation system, look it up on the Googles, it’ll give you the exact a word, but RAS.

Corinne:

Your brain has to have a filter, and the filter, it filters out all the noise of the world. It does it not only from the idea of, how can I keep you safe? And how can I make sure that you’re fitting into things? And all this other stuff, but it also is based on your belief systems. And a lot of them are inherited when you’re a child. So I think a lot of us, especially women, we are very socialized to believe that women who are go-getters, proud of themselves, speak boldly about their greatness and stuff, they’re also considered bitches by society. They’re also like, “She’s too much.” If you think about how traditionally women are supposed to be, they’re supposed to be good, and kind, and soft, and like all these things.

Corinne:

If you step into the room, and you’re just like, “What up everybody? I just want to tell you, I’ve had an amazing day. I created it. Thank you to me.” Like people would just be like, “Oh my God, what a bragger. She’s such a bitch.” And like, all these things. A man can walk in the room, be like, “Guess what y’all? I killed it today. I made all the money.” And stuff, and they would get high fives and [crosstalk 00:07:58].

Kathy:

Yes. Yes.

Corinne:

As women, like teachers, media, your dad, from that generation, we are all taught that. So if you think about how the brain is naturally wired to figure out, for safety reasons, stuff’s wrong, you need to be able find it. And then on the other side, you’ve got your belief system of, you’re wrong, and you are not good enough, and you really should minimize your greatness because it could make somebody else feel bad. A lot of us are taught that.

Corinne:

I remember, and my mom never meant to do this, but I do remember time my mom telling me, no shit. My brother struggled in school and I didn’t. And she told me when I came home, I had gotten, I was on honor roll, again, for like the 400th time. And she was like, “Well, let’s just not talk about it because it’ll make your brother feel bad.” There was no “Woo hoo, congratulations,” and, “Baller child of mine.” And like where we can support your brother, it was like, “Well, we don’t want to make him feel bad.” And that is not because my mom has some kind of broken ass mindset, we all do stuff like this. Hey, don’t tell so and so this happened, so that they don’t feel bad.

Corinne:

That’s why all that gets so broken. So when you take the brain’s natural desire to try to keep you safe, plus you have these things that you believe about yourself, well your reticular activation system looks out into the world and only brings you back information that it thinks is really important. So for all of you, if you really want to, I think one of the best explanations that I have heard about this came from Mel Robbins book, The High Five Habit. She did such a great job of explaining that RAS system in our head, and how it impacts us, that I think it should be required reading for everybody who is like, I want to know why is it that I only see, at the end of the day, I did…

Corinne:

This is what I know of Kathy. At the end of the day, she will have done like seven meetings, and then she would’ve had a checklist of all the other bullshit that I need her to do, and she will have gotten through all of that. And then I’ll send one Slack message questioning something, like, “Why did you do this? I don’t really understand. Can you just explain it to me?” And then she’ll, I’m not saying you always this, but I could imagine Kathy’s brain going to like, “Oh my God, Corinne didn’t like what I just did.”

Kathy:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corinne:

But she didn’t sit there, like, “But before I think about Corinne didn’t like this, let me just sit for a minute and relish in all the greatness of who I am today.” We don’t do that.

Kathy:

No.

Corinne:

We get we so over index little bullshit things, and then we wonder why. If you don’t reward yourself as a woman, first of all, if you don’t reward yourself as a woman for how you show up in the world, how you parent, how you do things, nobody else fucking will. We just need to give up on waiting for the world to figure out at women are amazing. We’re going to have to be amazing ourselves. And we’re going to feel amazing about ourselves. And women, you need to tell other women how amazing they are. We’ve got to normalize that, number one.

Corinne:

But rather than waiting on it, we wonder why at the end of the night, we’re telling ourselves some bullshit thing like, “You know what? All this stuff I did today, you know what I really deserve? To put my weight loss dreams on hold one more day and eat Oreos. That’s what I deserve.” But that’s what we do.

Kathy:

That’s exactly what happens. That’s why I’m laughing. I’m like, yeah, how many times have I said that in my lifetime, “I should just have Oreos, that’ll make me feel better,” or a glass of wine or whatever.

Corinne:

It’s like, here’s what we deserve. We deserve our own fucking attention sometimes.

Kathy:

Yeah.

Corinne:

Like I deserve to sit down every day and think about all the things that I did that makes me an amazing human being, all the small moments. Just like I was sitting there thinking about today, my son was in the living room, and I was getting ready to eat my breakfast, and he came up to me, and I sat my breakfast down, and I looked at him and I said, “Do you feel loved?” And he said, “Yes, I do.” I said, “Good, because I just want you to always know how much you are loved.”

Corinne:

And I was sitting there thinking, that’s what a great parent does. I don’t need other people to know it, but I need me to know it. I need me to spotlight all these little times that I’m showing up, in ways that are great, to myself. I don’t have to go blast it. Now I will just say, I will go blast it sometimes out into the world, and I think that that’s great. And I think every woman has more than earned and deserved the right to talk about every fart that they have that’s amazing, because for God’s sake, men have been doing it for centuries. It’s about time we get to do it too.

Corinne:

But at the very beginning, one of the things that we most deserve in this world is we deserve our own fucking love, appreciation, and attention. We deserve that way more than we deserve wine and Oreos at night. That is not what we deserve. We do not deserve to sit there and minimize our greatness down to a sleeve of Oreos.

Corinne:

And one of the other things, as I was thinking about this whole “I deserve this” topic, I was sitting there thinking about so many women nowadays… This is so funny because in our last episode you had said like, “I have to make dinner.” After a long day of work, right?

Corinne:

So many of us feel so bad that we can’t get everything done, and we don’t even realize that the 40 hour work week was designed by men. And the 40 hour work week concept was designed by men who had women at home washing, doing the dishes, taking care of kids, doing all the things. And a lot of those men that designed the 40 hour work week also had other household help, other help in their life. We’re on such a broken busted concept that we have so many women thinking that the only thing that they deserve is Oreos at night, when they are not only doing a 40 hour work week that was originally designed for people that had household help, where all they had to do was come home every night, kick off their shoes, smoke a pipe, and let somebody bring them some food.

Corinne:

And we go home, and we start the second shift. We go home and we cook, and we clean, and we do all these things. And no one is even telling us, “You’re doing more than what this was even ever designed to be doing.” You deserve either boundaries, honest conversations with people. You deserve, at least, acknowledgement from yourself that you are getting more than enough done. You don’t need to do more to prove your worth because you’re already worthy. I mean, if we’re going to talk, if we’re going to have a conversation around, “I deserve this,” let’s just be truthful around what we truly deserve. I think every woman that listens to this should sit down with some paper and write down, here’s what I really deserve in life. Start with what you deserve from yourself. Where are you not talking nice to yourself? Where are you not acknowledging yourself? Where do you not support yourself? Where do you demean yourself? Where do you place false expectations and high fucking standards that are unrealistic, unobtainable, and ridiculous. Write that shit down first.

Kathy:

You have to write that down first, because you have to meet yourself where you are, because this whole deserve word is based on, I was listening to you and I was thinking, it’s based on someone else’s grading scale. You were taught you deserve a cookie when you get an A. You were taught you deserve this when this happens. And you just carry that forward into life and you create this whole belief system around what you deserve, in what situations, that it feels like the rules of your life.

Corinne:

Right.

Kathy:

So you have to write all those down first before you actually can move and debunk them, before you can actually move into, maybe I deserve a night on the couch without looking at my iPad, or maybe I deserve a bath, or maybe it’s something else.

Corinne:

Or maybe I deserve to say out loud, at least once a day, that I am way better than I give myself credit for most of the time.

Kathy:

Exactly. Exactly.

Corinne:

I started reading Mel Robbins book. We’re hoping, we’re reaching out to her now, because I would love to have-

Kathy:

It’s so good.

Corinne:

Mel Robbins, if any of you know her, you let her know Corinne Crabtree would love to have her on the podcast.

Kathy:

It is, yeah, it’s my favorite of all of her books. It’s so good.

Corinne:

Well, let me tell you what I’ve been doing, every morning when I get ready for work. So I have a closet with a big mirror in it, so I can make sure that my fly is zipped and stuff. I’ve been going into the closet every morning, and I have been high fiving myself, butt ass naked, and telling myself what I love about me, what looks good about my body, and what I’m looking forward to for the day.

Kathy:

I love it.

Corinne:

I’ve just been doing it every single day, and I’m doing it naked, because I knew, for me, you’re probably like why do you got to do it naked? I’m doing it naked because one of the biggest areas of improvement that I have noticed with myself over the last year or two is this whole concept changing around my body. And my body, if it’s changed, it ain’t been changing because I’ve been… I don’t know, my skin is suddenly reversing in nature and getting tighter naturally. It’s like, no, it’s changing, like my outlook on it is changing, my appreciation. And what I find sexy is now I’ve decided I don’t need it to be sexy based on standards that are put out there. It’s like, what do I think looks good? What do I think is hot and all this other stuff?

Corinne:

I’ve been really questioning, if you’re a No BS woman, I do want to say this. In a module, no, it’s in Thoughts 2.0, the self-study course, we have a worksheet in there about belief systems that is so good about how do you change your belief systems. I think all of you, if you resonate with this, you should all be doing that worksheet, because it makes you really question, and the four step process that I have you go through is everything. So if you’re a No BS woman, please do that work after you listen to this podcast.

Corinne:

So we know, number one, that usually “I deserve this” eating, it’s almost always, I would say, the first place to start looking is, if I think I deserve food, it’s probably because during the day, you may not feel completely undeserving, but you are not giving yourself the much needed attention to how you talk to yourself. Because most of us, the reason why we try to reward ourselves with food at the end, is because all day long we didn’t reward ourselves at all, mentally. We just kept pushing and grinding, moving to the next thing. Like, “Thank God I got this done, because I got this next thing to do. And then when this is done, I got to go get the kids. And when I get the kids, then I got to go make my dinner,” and we just keep going on and on and on and on, and we don’t take any mental breaks.

Corinne:

And this does not mean you got to go sit in a parking lot by yourself for 10 minutes to figure this shit out. It’s just like, I want to listen to how I’m talking to myself all day long, does it sound like the kind of conversation that someone who is very deserving of their own love and attention would be doing? If it doesn’t, you owe it to yourself to start telling yourself that stuff even if it feels gross, not true, uneasy, weird, odd, woo, whatever it is.

Kathy:

Uncomfortable.

Corinne:

Yes.

Kathy:

Uncomfortable.

Corinne:

Because, it’s just like when you first started, I mean, as much as you’ve been working on it, when you wanted to even start talking about it, you’re like, “Oh my God, I think I’m going to cry.”

Kathy:

Right.

Corinne:

That’s what happens. At first, it’s just going to feel so not normal, but the only way for it to ever feel natural is for you to go through it not feeling normal. Nothing feels natural until it’s been done over and over and over again. It would just be like if you broke, like I’m right handed, if I broke my right hand, and they said, “You can never write again with your right hand,” it would take me a long time to be doing things with my left hand in order for it to feel natural.

Corinne:

Anytime you’re going to change something up, eventually things do feel natural after a while. It’s just like when you first start driving. I was watching Logan drive, he’s still learning how to drive, and he just drove into the driveway a few minutes ago. It doesn’t feel natural to him, but one day it will, and he’s been practicing to drive now with Chris for a year, and they’re just now getting to the interstate. But the only way that it, like now pulling out of the neighborhood feels natural and feels easy because he’s done that so many times. The interstate, he’s been on it four times, still doesn’t feel natural. So it’s just like thinking about, all right, our mindset and our belief systems will feel as odd as saying, “I’ve got to switch from writing with my natural hand to my unnatural hand.” It is no different.

Corinne:

So one of the things that you can do is you can make a list of what you do deserve each and every day, we kind of talked about that. This is to train your brain that food’s not on the list, so that when it’s wanting to reach for the food, it will seem way more apparent for you. So, No BS women, especially, continue to do your discovery worksheets that are in your planners, and on the website. Notice if you’re doing the “I deserve it” eating. Add a sentence at the bottom of your discovery worksheet and start every single day writing, when you have an overeat, what did I really deserve that day? Earlier in the day, where did I miss opportunities to give myself some very deserving talk, some very deserving things? Just so that you can start getting more and more aware of it.

Corinne:

One of the other things is, for the No BS women, in module two of No BS, you can learn more about redirecting your mind, and then you can use the successful urge worksheet in module three to reinforce that food isn’t needed when what you’re really wanting to do is to feel proud, deserving. “I deserve this” is just your brain’s desperate attempt to get your own attention. And our brains, when we feed it with food, it learns that that is the only way to get our attention. So now you got to teach it new ways, that’s all that’s got to happen.

Corinne:

A lot of you can just start with, like if you’re just a podcast listener, start with something simple. It’s just write a sentence or two, each day, around why you’re proud of yourself. So many of us never take even a moment to think about why we’re proud of ourselves, for something that we did that day, for who we are. You don’t always have to have even done something.

Corinne:

One of the things I am most proud of, and I talk about this all the time in my own journaling, is I am so proud of the dedicated person that I am. When I think about one of my strong suits, I am very dedicated. If I say I’m going to be doing something, if I say like, “Hey, we’re going to do this,” or “This is something that’ll get done.” People know, I’m dedicated, I will get it done, and I will move heaven and hell to make sure it happens.

Corinne:

So thinking about what are you proud of? It doesn’t always mean that every single day, maybe you didn’t have anything that you can say, like, this thing I’m super proud of. What is it about you that you’re proud of? That you need to remind yourself, that you’re so proud of, that you have to learn how to be proud of, that you have to learn how to even put it out into the world. And then, if you can, after you’ve written it for a while, talk to another woman about it. Us, as women, we have got to change. We have got to get together and have more conversations about what’s right in our life, what we’re proud of, and the things that we’re going after, than having conversations with women, getting together to bitch, bemoan, wish things were different, blame, and complain.

Corinne:

I’m just very fortunate that my friend circle is very tight and very right. I don’t make room for people in my life that all they want to do is sit around and not change shit in their life. If my friends have problems, I’m all in, like, “Talk to me, let’s hash this out.” But they better be coming with either, “You help me figure out what to do and I’ll go do it,” or “I just need to bitch and moan, and then I’m going to go take some action.” That’s, I think more of us, even if you don’t have those friends yet, you be the example. How is your friend circle ever going to know to be proud of themselves, that it’s okay to talk amazing about yourself, if you don’t lead the way? Some of us have to go first in all of this.

Corinne:

And then, one of the last things that I would do when it comes to “I deserve this” eating is, write each day, just like if you go back to our drinking episode. The drinking episode ties perfectly with this, you don’t have to be a drinker, we substituted in and out food, so if you didn’t listen to that one, go back to it.

Corinne:

But, what is it so great about eating when you’re desperate to feel deserving? Train your brain that this is an unwanted behavior. Not because it’s bad, and not because you’re bad, or whatever, it’s an unwanted behavior because it’s not helping me feel the way I really want to feel about my myself. This is what it prevents me from doing, every time I eat because I think I deserve this, is one more time that I don’t practice telling myself about my greatness, about what’s right about me, why I’m worthy, why I love myself, what’s right about me, who in this world cares about me? It denies ourself that opportunity. So those are just a few of the things that I think that you can do when you have this whole “I deserve this” mentality kicking in. Did you want to add anything else to the end of this one?

Kathy:

Now, I’m thinking about, you started this with my own journey and I’m thinking about how I just never really learned that I deserved my own congratulations, and my own “you’re doing great” talk. I just never really learned that. So hearing you and others talk about it, I think is, it’s just so important for the women of the world. I think we always, as women, you used this word in the notes, we’re socialized to minimize how great we are. We’re socialized to go to work, and then take the second shift at home. We’re socialized to take care of everyone else. We have to teach ourselves how to tell ourselves how amazing we are.

Kathy:

I asked a very good friend of mine one time if vanity was a sin, right? And he said, “No.” I asked a priest, no kidding. Yeah, shocker, right? I asked a priest, was vanity a sin. And he said, “No. Feeling good about yourself is never a sin. Vanity goes wrong when you’re making yourself feel better by pushing someone else down.”

Corinne:

Right.

Kathy:

And I thought, how many of us missed the mark there? If that’s the only way we know how to feel better is by comparing ourselves to someone else, then we’re missing the mark.

Corinne:

Right.

Kathy:

It’s got to be all in on us. And I think that’s what I’ve learned over the past, I think you said three or four years, is that I have to go all in on me.

Corinne:

And it’s still is true. I mean, I don’t think, unless you start questioning all this stuff that you believe about yourself… One of the things that I take a lot of pride in, that I used to feel a little shame over, is that I don’t food prep anymore. My sister-in-law does it for us. And I was sitting there thinking, oh, you know, like, I would say things like, “You’re so lucky,” or I would say things like, “Well, not everybody gets to do that,” stuff like that. And I was like, what a shitty ass way to describe that I really realized that I had big things in the world I wanted to do and that I was willing to ask for help. When we think we just have to do things and we just don’t even question the stuff that we do and stuff, we get trapped in these rat races, and we get trapped into these lives, and we never know how to talk differently to ourselves. It’s like, if you’re going to do something, own every bit of it, just own all of it, and be proud of it.

Corinne:

So I hope that y’all enjoyed this one today. It was a podcast that I really wanted to do for my No BS ladies, because I hear it so often. And honestly, we just all deserve, as women, a lot more these days, and we are going to have to be the ones that start. It starts with us changing first, and making sure that we are acknowledging ourselves, and that we are supporting ourselves, and that we are noticing when we’re just not acting in a way that truly cares for ourself.

Corinne:

So y’all have a good week. We’ll see you soon.

Corinne:

Thank you so much for listening today. Make sure you head on over to nobsfreecourse.com, and sign up for my free weight loss training on what you need to know to start losing your weight right now. You’ll also find lots of notes and resources from our past podcasts to help you lose your weight without all the bullshit diet advice. I’ll see you next week.

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Hi, I'm Corinne

I lost 100 pounds and get what it is like to be overweight and feel defeated. I did a complete mental and physical transformation and now I teach women how to do the EXACT same thing. You can get started today with the free course.