When I competed I thought, “I finally have everything I ever wanted.” For the first time ever my body was TINY! I initially lost 100lbs to weigh 150lbs, but when I competed I took it to another level. The first day on stage I weighed 128lbs.
I couldn’t believe it. I was proud of what I had accomplished but I was miserable. I was terrified of gaining weight and felt HORRIBLE. At my thinnest I had so much loose skin and knew in my heart I could never live like this.
My weight stabilized after stepping off stage at 145lbs which is a great weight for me…7 years ago. It was a healthy and good looking weight. I could wear a size 4. Not bad but I was still miserable. I had loose skin, full muscles, and knew in my heart I could never live this.
I kept competing for a few years. I worked with an awesome coach who always made me feel as special as the top athletes he trained. Each time I stood on stage I was there because I “could” do it. We would add weight responsibly each off season and take it off changing how much muscle I carried. After four years I went from competing at 128lbs to 140lbs.
I hung up the heels and decided I gotta live a life. Chris and I began going to Vegas regularly. That’s our time together and we treasure it. I would pack tons of food to carry with us, we rarely ate out so I could stay lean, I was exhausted most of the time because I would not miss a workout no matter if I was sick, and mentally I was drained.
I had built my body into something I couldn’t imagine it could be and it was never good enough. It was work criticizing myself and juggling that lifestyle.
Looking back, I spent a lot of time depriving and I’m not talking food. The food I didn’t eat was small in comparison to the joy and freedom I didn’t have. I couldn’t look at myself and be happy. There was always something to fix or fixate on when the real issue was I didn’t know how to love myself without being a “project to fix.”
See, as I grew up I heard how fat I was DAILY. From name calling to judging comments and remarks made about what, how much, and how often I ate, the message was drilled into me that when I wasn’t accepted it was because of my weight. It led to my own name calling in my head which we all know I call Fat Girl Thinking (FGT).
I lost all my weight. Daily I was respected for my hard work, people from my past congratulated me on my “success”, and people wanted to hear my opinion on how to lose weight.
That right there was hard. The message I learned is be thin and be loved. Get fat and you’re done. That was the new story I was telling myself and then I started fearing if I wasn’t in my BEST shape I was worthless.
I deprived myself of good thoughts about myself. There were times I would think damn this fits me or wow I can’t believe I can look like this…only to start thinking about how hard it was to get to this weight, how afraid I was to eat a small bag of chips, and if I have Subway I’ll gain 3 lbs of of water from the carbs.
Fear of gaining weight settled in and it made it hard to not diet. If I wasn’t dieting was I giving up being better, smaller, tighter, and the love and acceptance from people?
The only way I knew how to live was through self-inflicted fear and deprivation.
I am blessed to have a positive husband around me who helped with my general outlook. I’m a positive person with lots of pride but my downfall was I couldn’t be happy in my body. If I dared allowed myself to be happy that meant I was going to be out of control. To me happy had always been a method of masking my misery with food. Why would I want to “feel” happy about me?
I choose to be in this body right now and to love it. Like really love it. I weigh 150-156lbs and have settled here for the last 2-3 years. I’ve kept enough records to know this is the wheelhouse without depriving myself. I like wine with my husband, dessert with my son, treats through the week way too much to want to weigh less with some definition.
Nobody in the world is going to love me more or want to be a part of my PNP over 10lbs. If that’s the case then screw them. 🙂 Sorry…but seriously people don’t hire me because of what I weigh. They hire me because I can get in their head and help them change because I’VE CHANGED both the physical and mental.
I offer a community of caring women who want the best for each other, and I give of myself unconditionally to my clients. Nobody has said I stay with PNP because your arms are out of control! (OK…if someone said this I would gift them a membership :)- )
I’m older! F-bomb here. Yes I’m older and accepting that my body is changing. I can fight it and be miserable or I can live the best, sexiest, fun, and exciting life knowing not many women at 41 #twerklikeaboss and get mistaken as Pink in Vegas. That’s not my body or weight getting those compliments. It’s my inner swagger and growing confidence that makes people want to be around me.
Yesterday I finished my 7th Tough Mudder (recap coming as soon I Chris downloads pictures) and had a moment by myself. My brother stopped to potty and I ran ahead to think. I was passing girls thinner and younger than me. There were obstacles I could do (and some I gave a good effort LOL) where people wouldn’t try.
I thought this is the woman you always wanted to be. As a kid I dreamed of a life like I have now and yet I still can get mad that I’m not thinner! I hate, and I mean HATE, that I can dismiss all my accomplishments and the lifestyle I have created for many women over weighing 145 lbs or having my muscles show.
I’m going to remember this from now on because yesterday while climbing the steepest hill of my life, sucking wind as if it was sprints, and then walking by about 50 people laid out in the grass at the top where the hill broke them down, I thought, “You have the body of your dreams. It is kicking a lot of people’s ass right now.”
I’m embracing that this body is about a feeling and not a number or a look. I’m proud of this body for what the hell it can do. If it ever looks any better that’s great but it’s not going to stop me from loving and living now.
As I finished this blog a great read came to me. It’s as if the universe has helped me craft this blog the last few days. Read it. Bless Today: It Will Never Come Again