Corinne Crabtree:
Hello, everybody. Welcome back. I want to talk about something today that I think is really important and we are not going to be teaching you today exactly how to do something because today what you really need to know is, what are the things you absolutely have to know in order to lose weight. If you don’t have these three things happening and you don’t learn how to do these things, I promise all of you, you either won’t be able to lose your weight, you won’t get started, or you’ll start losing some weight and you’ll get to a point and you’ll burn out because you’re making yourself do everything. Or what I call the absolute worst case scenario, which is you go through the trouble of losing all of your weight and then you get there because you forced yourself and you made yourself, and you didn’t talk good to yourself. That once you land, you’re only happy for a moment and then the next thing you know, you’re stressed and you’re worried that you’ll regain your weight.
Corinne Crabtree:
You’re still in the habit of nitpicking your body, even though you’ve lost all of your weight. And I just feel moved we actually planned to talk about something else today, but I just feel moved to have this conversation because I literally, the last couple of weeks I have coached so many people who as often as I tell them, “You’ve got to work on the relationship with yourself. If you’re not thinking better, your weight loss is not going to solve your unhappiness.” And they’ll be like, “Corrine, no girl, I’m going to be the one. You just don’t know. I’ve been overweight all my life. That moment I get thin, all my problems are going to go away.” They don’t.
Corinne Crabtree:
I always tell my clients, here’s a good example let’s say all day long you’re at work and your boss is never happy with you. You’re the first person that has to work over. You’re the one that they dump all the extra projects on. When you weigh 150 pounds, you’re not suddenly going to have work dumped on you and them act like I asked you and you just be like, “Oh my God, but I weigh 150 pounds. I’m completely happy.” Weight loss doesn’t solve bullshit. All it does is for the moment you weigh, if you want to think good things about it, you will. But what most of us do is we realize that weight loss doesn’t solve that. We internalize a lot of things in the world, very negatively about ourselves. And eventually the newness of what you weigh wears off, and when the newness wears off and you’re just 150 pounds, the anxious, stressed, and worried version of you comes roaring back in.
Corinne Crabtree:
And it starts thinking, “Well, I hope you can keep your weight off. Well, you’ve never been able to keep it off before. Let’s hope this time’s different.” That voice starts playing loud and clear when the newness of weight loss wears off. So if you don’t change how you think, if you don’t learn how to be someone that believes in themselves, if you don’t learn how to be someone that really does it … What you weigh in each week, it’s not near as important as like, “I’m proud of myself for my actions. I’m more proud of how I’m showing up for my life than I am what the scale told me I lost this week.” If you don’t learn how to become that person, you’re going to risk regaining it all back and going back to eating. That’s how so
many of us have yo-yo dieted all of our lives.
Corinne Crabtree:
And I’ve just been thinking about this problem for so long. I hear people go through it. Like I was telling Kathy today when we were getting ready to podcast, I was like, “I don’t want to podcast on what we were talking about. I just want to talk about these three things.” So Kathy doesn’t even know what the three things are.
Kathy:
I don’t. But I would say, I heard you coach somebody on this morning. And you said something that was so interesting. You said, “If we don’t teach our brains to think in a different way, as we lose weight, if we’re always looking at what’s going wrong and what the problem is and how bad we look and all that kind of stuff, the number on the scale isn’t going to change what we think about anything. We’re still going to look for the problems. We’re still going to feel bad about ourselves. We’re still going to be critical.” All those things, it was just so interesting that you said, “If your brain is used to looking for problems, it’s still going to look for problems.”
Corinne Crabtree:
Right. I think it’s just really important for us to have this conversation, because I think a lot of people don’t really get that weight loss isn’t just going to make them happy. They really think, “No, I’m going to be the different one. I know that I’ve suffered for so long. So that means I’m just going to be thrilled all the time.” And I wish that was the way it went down. I do wish that, that’s the way it always happens, but it just doesn’t happen that way. So here are the three things you have to learn as you’re losing weight if you want to be someone that at the end of the day is able to land, loving yourself, respecting yourself, and able to stay there.
Corinne Crabtree:
Number one is we have to learn how to practice self-kindness versus self criticism all the time. Most of us what we’re doing is we’re going through life and we are literally criticizing ourselves at every turn. “Well, that wasn’t good enough. You shouldn’t have said that. If you had only done this. You know you didn’t do the dishes tonight. Well, you did really good today except for this.” When I talk about self-criticism, I am talking from the flat-out, “You are ugly and disgusting and lazy,” kind of talk all the way to the little digs, which I always say, I think the little digs are the worst ones, because you are dying by a 1000 cuts.
Corinne Crabtree:
All day long you’re just slicing and dicing yourself. And by the end of the day, you’re worn out emotionally. Not because the day was that bad. It’s because the day happened and all day long your perception about yourself in relation to it with some bullshit saying things like, let’s say your kid doesn’t get their homework done. “I must be the only mom who has a kid that never wants to do their homework. I’m the one with the kid that’s disrespectful.” We’ll say little things like that. We’ll make all kinds of things mean all day long that somehow we’re not worthy, we’re less than, we’re not as good as the next person or we’re not good enough.
Kathy:
Yeah, they’re sneaky. Those little thoughts are sneaky. Because in the moment they don’t sound terrible they sound true.
Corinne Crabtree:
Yeah. They sound true. But there still bullshit and here’s how we know. When you think it, if it doesn’t feel energetically positive, it’s bullshit. And just because it’s true or feels true, doesn’t make it the truth. Just like if your kid doesn’t do their homework and the first thing you think is, “I must be failing as a mother,” or, “I’m not a good enough mother,” or, “I bet Sarah’s kids are doing their homework.” All of those feel like ass and they could feel true to you. But that is just your perception of your child not doing their homework. You also, when junior doesn’t do their homework, you could think, “I’ll help them. This isn’t my fault, but I’m willing to work with them on it. This is not a reason to beat myself up over.”
Corinne Crabtree:
There’s a bajillion different ways to think about when your kid doesn’t do their homework that doesn’t have anything to do with somehow you being less than. It could be just, We’re all having a tough time right now, anything and those are as equally as true. The difference between them is that one energetically gets you moving in the direction of thinking compassionately, thinking about in a way that feels a little bit better so that at the end of the day, you’re not worn out by your own bullshit.
Corinne Crabtree:
And that’s why so many people are overeating at night because they can sit there and willpower their way all the way through the day. They can have shitty thoughts, follow a plan, make themselves eat the shit that they planned and talk to themselves like, “You need to eat this. You have to eat this. You said you’d eat this.” We can do that and then by the end of the day, we’re just fucking worn out. And we think we’re worn out because of everything that happened during the day. But the problem is that all day long, we spent self criticizing at almost every turn.
Corinne Crabtree:
We have a lesson inside of No BS. It’s a thought lesson where we talk about the day in the life of someone who has these old shitty narratives and thoughts. And the example that I loved the most is the example of the mom who was going to cook eggs in the morning for breakfast before the kids go to school. And she noticed that she didn’t get eggs. And instead of thinking, “We’ll have cereal,” she thinks, “I’m so stupid. Why didn’t I get the eggs?” Later in the day, she’s walking through her house, trips over the rug and says, “I’m the clumsiest person in the world,” rather than moving on. We just have these things. This is where when you’re going to lose weight, you can’t afford to be someone who never breaks their habit of self criticism, because that self-criticism is what drives us to make it really hard to say no to cookies at night after a bad day.
Corinne Crabtree:
That’s why the first thing you have to learn is how do you practice self kindness. What is the process of learning how to think differently about yourself. How often do you have to do it. What are the signs of when it’s working. What does it mean if the old thoughts keep coming back up. All of that, that’s exactly what you’ve got to learn. This is the stuff that Weight Watchers and keto and all these other people, they’re never going to teach you by telling you how many points you get or what foods are good and bad. They’re never going to teach you one of the most important skills of weight loss, which is having your own back with self-kindness. How do you unwind years and years and years of conditioning from society, your parents, and the way things are set up, that you’re not good enough. So that’s number one. Did you want to add something?
Kathy:
Yeah let me just add this real quick, because this is obviously a podcast about three things you need to know in order to lose weight. But that self criticism, it affects your relationships, it affects your job, it affects how you treat your kids, it affects everything. When you become super self critical and your mind is always thinking in those terms yeah, it’s going to prevent you from losing weight, it’s going to prevent you from loving who you are, it’s going to prevent you from being the person you could really be in the world.
Corinne Crabtree:
It’s going to prevent you from having a good night’s sleep. It’s so crazy. It’s just all the little things.
Kathy:
It affects everything.
Corinne Crabtree:
So many of us go to bed and wonder why we can’t go to sleep because our brains are jacked up on what a failure we are, what we didn’t get done for the day or we’re just praying and hoping tomorrow is better. The only way tomorrow is going to get better is if today you learn how to start talking to yourself. Most of us are always going to dread tomorrow if all we’re going to do is Groundhog day, our own self-criticism narrative. And your brain knows unless you’re actively changing it, you’re going to stay stuck. So that’s number one.
Corinne Crabtree:
The second one is you have got to practice humanity and community more than you practice isolation. And what this means is that … And this is the way I feel. I think weight loss is just a lonely fucking journey for most people. I remember when, all the years that I was 100 pounds overweight, and I mean years. From the age of nine own up, I was anywhere from 50 pounds to 100 pounds overweight. Always thinking nobody else understood. Nobody else thought like me. “I’m the broken one. Something’s wrong with me.” One of the things that I want to tell everybody is that you are not alone in all of this. I know this because I have over 10,000 members right now. And these women, one of the things that they love the most about No BS is when they come in, we are unapologetically honest and vulnerable about what’s going on in our brain and what’s going on in our life. From our binge groups to just our normal big ass group of women, all talking about our insecurities, what we’re afraid of, what we think other people think of us.
Corinne Crabtree:
And what’s nice is that when you’re around other people who get you, they also can tell you how they changed it for themselves. And how I used to think just like you. There is some peace and some relief and weight loss that comes from not feeling so alone. I think this one is one of the … I mean, I think the number one is the most important, but number two, it’s just so hard to lose weight when all you do is isolate yourself from everyone else thinking, “No one else gets me. I’m so alone, no one understands and I must be broken.” That is a dead stop when we feel isolated, especially for all of us who battle with our weight, the way we often cope with it is by eating to avoid feeling so alone.
Corinne Crabtree:
We use that as a comfort and what I want to tell you guys is that the second skill that you have to learn in weight loss if you really want to lose your weight and be able to keep it off is to really understand that whole human experience part of it. Nothing you’re thinking makes you crazy. You are not broken. A lot of us feel the same way. A lot of us think the same way. And we’re all learning how to do it different together. We have to quit isolating ourselves in weight loss, and we have to start practicing more of that community. And I think that whether you join No BS or not and become a member, you need to start thinking about the community that you see most often. And for a lot of us, that’s the podcasts we listen to, the social feeds that we follow. Do not just look through social and only follow or only listen to people who’s presenting a perfect life.
Corinne Crabtree:
If you want to know why you feel so isolated at times, it could be because you’re not even looking at things that are presenting to you that you aren’t alone. So whether you ever work with me or not, I would highly recommend that you at least follow me on Instagram and Facebook. It’s Corinne Crabtree. C-O-R-I-N-N-E Crabtree. Very easy to find and follow the #nobswoman. You’re going to see my members posting plans, posting their ups and downs. So many of them publicly share, we share so much inside our community, but I will tell you at least start with following them so that you get to see that people who are losing weight by dropping the mental bullshit the diet industry has pushed on us, follow them.
Corinne Crabtree:
These are women like you. You need to see more of that. You need to experience more of that. And I just think that touching your own humanity and community and removing the isolation is key. Especially with everything that we’ve been going on. 2021 is going to be the year that people are going to create connections more than ever. In 2020, we were disconnected as a society from so many things. So I just don’t want anybody sitting around feeling lonely in this journey. I did it long enough.
Corinne Crabtree:
One of the reasons why I started helping women was because I knew how lonely they felt. I wanted them to have someone just like them to talk to. So that they didn’t just keep talking to trainers and talking to dieticians that never had a weight problem in their life. God love them, I appreciate they want to help us. But sometimes there they’ll just say things where it’s like, you can just tell that … I remember working with trainers and thinking, “I can tell this guy must have a six-pack because he’s wanting me to do exercises where my belly’s going to show when I get down on the ground, my shirt’s going to roll up. It’s not even occurring to him that this could be a problem for me. Not physically, but emotionally.” That’s why it’s important to find people that you’re going to work with when you’re losing your weight that understand more than just how to make you do a few burpees and tell you to eat grilled chicken.
Kathy:
Right. So when you’re working with a community or with a group of people, not only do you get to see other people go through what you go through and go through it together, it actually opens the door to a little bit of hope that, “I can do this, that I will get through this. Oh, wait, there is a solution here.” And when you’re isolated and you don’t have all that input from other people and other members or whatever, you don’t get that sense of hope. You don’t get those alternate perspectives.
Corinne Crabtree:
Yeah. I always tell people because we have a lot of success in our group and people post their successes all the time. I mean, every single day, somebody’s lost weight or somebody is posting, “Not only did I lose weight, my husband has lost weight too just listening to Corinne and stuff.” I always tell the members, “You want to have that. You want to be able to look up so that you can ask. You can look up and see the hope. You can look up and figure out like, what are they doing that’s different than me and can I ask them when you were me, what was your first step?” Because what most of us do is we go back to what was number one, we self criticize. We’re always looking down on ourselves. We’re looking around, we’re seeing all these perfect images everywhere. And we immediately go to looking down on ourselves.
Corinne Crabtree:
And one of the things I think is important that we teach inside of our community is the skill of how do you use success in a community to look up and rise up to it rather than looking down on yourself when you see it. So I just think it’s really important. All right. Number three. The last one is you have to learn the skill of practicing mindfulness versus over identifying with your mistakes. This one is huge and this one is one that I think most of us do a lot. We sit around and every single time we mess up, we immediately throw ourselves under the bus. We immediately think, “I’m so stupid. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have done that. What do I need to do right now to fix this?”
Corinne Crabtree:
We’re always in such a rush and stuff and what we don’t practice is mindfulness around it. Like, “Yeah, I made a mistake and that’s okay. Yeah. I made a mistake, and I’ll figure out what to do next. Yeah, I overate. I wonder what I was actually needing in that moment so that next time I can give myself what I truly wanted and not just give myself food.” Mindfulness is a key. And it’s one of those things that when you’re trying to lose weight … I just want to say this, this is the way most of us are trying to lose weight.
Corinne Crabtree:
We’re trying to be perfect instead of consistent. When you’re shooting for perfect all the time, you end up quitting real quick because you haven’t learned the skill of being mindful when you mess up. You’ve only learned the skill of self-criticism and over-indexing your mistakes like, “Oh my God, I overate. That probably means I’ll never be able to stay on plan ever again.” Or my favorite, somebody will do really good for two weeks. And one day they’ll have a day where they overate. And instead of thinking, “You know what, I did really well for two weeks. I overate today. I’m going to figure that part out. But I really want to remember I had two weeks that I did really good.” This is what they do. “Oh my God. I’m going to have to start all over. I’m off track. I just threw away all my hard work.” That, my friends, is called over-identifying with your mistakes.
Kathy:
“I’ll never get this.” That’s what I hear so much. “I’ll never get this. I’ll never lose my weight.” It becomes so absolute. They’re either all in or they’re all out. It’s either all rainbows-
Corinne Crabtree:
All in or all fucked up, and I say it for you, Kathy.
Kathy:
Thank you Corinne.
Corinne Crabtree:
I know you don’t use that.
Kathy:
Thank you. But seriously, that’s one of the things that your program, our membership teaches, that’s missing out in the world and that’s how to be okay with making mistake. What a mistake really means, how to turn it around. I mean, you look like you just about got two hands in the air there. Making a mistake it’s not the end of the world. And look, this girl has had the biggest learning from that, my so-called perfectionism. I wore as a badge of honor. And it’s not, it’s just an inability to be okay with making mistakes.
Corinne Crabtree:
Yeah. I think that for a lot of you like, and this is a concept that I think is important is like, I always say we’re not here to practice being perfect we’re here to practice getting very consistent. When you’re consistently showing up, it means that I’m consistent when it goes well and I’m also consistent when it’s not going so well. So if all of you are doing like what I teach when it comes to making a doable 24 hour plan, every single day. Being perfect means that you will do them until the day you overeat or eat off plan. And then you beat yourself up and you go into self criticism, you isolate your. You’re like, “Oh, no one else probably has it as hard as I do when it comes to making a doable 24, I’m the one that will never be able to lose weight.” You’re over-identifying with a mistake. And so for three days you won’t make a plan and you’ll avoid making the plan because you think the plan is triggering you to feel bad. It’s like no your mismanaged mind about telling yourself a bunch of bullshit is the problem.
Corinne Crabtree:
You keep making the plan so that you can learn. When you learn how to practice mindfulness it means I make the 24 hour plan on the day after, that I backed one up and I do it because I’m more interested in being consistent with the habit. Then I am shooting for perfect. If I’m consistent, I will eventually figure out what goes on that plan and how to get it to where I can do it with ease, but you’ll never get there if you give up on it. And that all comes from what is the relationship you have with yourself in the moment of a mistake? Do you over-identify with it or do you practice mindfulness? How do you talk to yourself? And I actually have something that I learned if y’all don’t know, there’s a new social media app called Clubhouse. I’m on it. I’m doing talks on it. If you have the app, you can feel free to follow me. It’s no surprise at Corine Crabtree-
Kathy:
C-O.
Corinne Crabtree:
R-I-N-N-E Crabtree. I’m real mysterious that way I hide in plain sight-
Kathy:
Just don’t don’t confuse her with the terror card reader that’s not her.
Corinne Crabtree:
Yeah. There’s another one. She’s got like a dash or something in her name. Like mine is just like straight though you’ll see me. It’s got the platinum hair. I have a very distinct look about me. When you are doing mistakes, there is what’s called the MVP process. Don’t ask me where I got this from I was in somebodies Clubhouse, listening to them talk. And I was just taking notes. Because Clubhouse is an audio only app where you can listen to speakers like me, just go and talk in live time. They’re not recorded. So you just pop in and out. So you have to catch us when we’re on. So MVP stands for, and this is when we’re talking about practicing some kindness and we’re talking about making sure that we remember we’re just human. And when we’re going to be mindful, the M stands for be mindful of the problem first.
Corinne Crabtree:
So when you make a mistake or when something happens, just identify, what’s really going on here. I fucked up is not the problem. I over ate would be the problem. I’m a bad mom is not the problem, but the problem might be when I feel anxious or agitated, I yell. That would be being mindful of the problem. The second part is called V and it’s validate myself. This is key. I’m going to make mistakes because I’m human. If I don’t teach you all anything, if you don’t leave with one nugget from all 200 something podcasts I’ve done. When something doesn’t go right, rather than making yourself a problem, like I’m fuck up. I want you to say, I’m a human and I make mistakes. You’ve got to validate yourself that way. We have to get better at being okay that we’re not going to be perfect.
Corinne Crabtree:
This is just part of life. So what is the problem, be mindful of the problem, validate yourself as a human, that you’re going to make mistakes. And the last part is positive. I’m a human, I make mistakes, but here’s what I did right. Here’s what I could do. Here’s what’s right about me. We have to spend more time as women deliberately finding what’s right about us and deliberately reminding ourselves, what’s right about us until we get good at this skill, you increase the likelihood of you never trying to lose weight, blowing up your weight loss, or getting all the way there and regaining it back.
Corinne Crabtree:
If you don’t learn how to do these three things. This is the probably for me, one of the most important episodes that I could give you guys, because we have to draw a line in the sand that we’re no longer going to do a diet for the sake of just losing weight. We’re going to change our life by changing the relationship we have with ourselves, stepping into our own power. And when we do that, we can then take authority over food. We then can take authority over our feelings. We then can take authority over our lives. Anything you want to add [Miss Hawkin 00:30:03]
Kathy:
I don’t think I was ever taught to validate myself or to think positively about myself, not on purpose. I was raised in a, we’ve talked about this nuclear family, dad goes to work, mom stays home. I was never taught. Make sure you look in the mirror and tell yourself something you like about yourself. I was never taught to do that. And I think it’s a big missing piece in our society. So I love this MVP process. Just being aware, be mindful of what you’re saying, validate yourself, and then be positive. So it’s a game changer. It’s a big game changer.
Corinne Crabtree:
Well, whoever was in that clubhouse, if you said it, you will email us at support@pnptribe.com. I will for sure. Give you credit in the show notes.
Kathy:
Absolutely.
Corinne Crabtree:
This is not mine, but I was furiously writing and did not go back to see who actually said it. Because it was all moving so fast. I was just in a room that I stumbled upon in and wisdom moments were being dropped, like knowledge bombs. I was just like, “Oh my gosh.” And I always feel like I’m the speaker. So it’s such a gift to me to be able to go into these rooms and hear people sharing their wisdom so that I can learn. So I’ve been as you know, enjoying my time in the Clubhouse. And it’s just that for all of you, it’s just a free app. It’s just another social media channel. But the nice thing is, is that it’s audio only. So you can just listen. And for people like me, who sometimes don’t want to take a shower for a couple of days, it’s really awesome to be able to like, “Yeah, I’m going to do me a Clubhouse and we’ll share my wisdom and not have to share how crazy I look in the moment with my bad hair.
Kathy:
That’s so funny because we’re so different, because when I come onto your 7:30 Clubhouses, I’ve showered, combed my hair, brush my teeth, come coffee in. I’m ready to go.
Corinne Crabtree:
It’s a no, I’m coming in hot off the treadmill. Just like, all right. I can just exercise right up to the last second. And it won’t be a big deal. So, all right, everybody y’all have an amazing week. If you got value out of this episode, please screenshot the episode, share it on your social media. Tag me #nobswoman. You never know when we’re going to share you on my social or when we’re going to drop a little comment on your own social pages until next week. We’ll see you later. Bye y’all.
