I was an obese kid who kept growing into an obese mom. Daily I would think, "You will always be fat. You can't lose weight.
I felt hopeless most of my life. Ashamed I couldn't shop in the stores my friends could. Worried if I ordered healthy food that people would think, "She's on another diet." Worried if I ate the "good stuff" people would think, "There goes the fat girl eating large like her ass.
That was my life from about age 11 when I did my first diet with Weight Watchers until I was 30. Day after day of starting a diet every morning, or every Monday, or on the first of the month... only to fall off the wagon as quick as I got on.
It just felt as if all I did was start and stop diets.
I also felt so unloveable. I would think, "Who loves fat people?" I didn't love myself because all I thought about was how I was just a failure...so how could others love me? I was eating McDonald's daily to cope with everything wrong in life. Busy? Stop at McDonald's. Tired? Get a McFlurry. Angry? Supersize a #2. Hopeless? Supersize a #2 with a McFlurry and a Diet Coke (got to cut back somewhere).
I was a hot mess express.
When I look back I am so grateful I never quit starting diets even when they all failed. There was something in me that would keep going even when I thought there's no way in hell I'll solve this.
After I had my son, there was a small shift. I didn't want to pass this legacy of obesity to him. I had a reason to change.
I remember the day I decided to lose weight for the last time. It wasn't as earth shaking as you would think.
I was on the couch. It was 10am and my Logan wanted me to play. I looked at him said, "Mommy is too tired to play." There it was. I was too tired at 10am and the only reason was because I was so overweight. My body was exhausted from carrying 250 pounds of weight all the time. I wasn't overworked. I was overfed.
That night I cried like a crazy person to my husband. I mean an all-out-ugly-cry. I told Chris, "I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow but I'm going to figure it out."
And I did.
I had zero experience with cooking, sports, exercise, or losing weight without a strict diet. What I KNEW was that I couldn't do what I normally did and that was go crazy dieting to where it was destined to fail. I knew I had to keep it simple and slow.
I had one golden rule...never do anything I wasn't willing to keep doing the rest of my life. I was going to lose the weight, I refused to think about how long it would take and I didn't set a big goal. My biggest goal was I refused to quit no matter what.
I asked myself where was the best place to start that I could keep doing. What would feel good to me?
I knew I could walk. Off to the YMCA I went. It was slow and a little embarrassing since at 31 years old I could only walk 15 minutes. I just told myself that I can do this and until it was easier this was where I would focus.
I knew if I could figure out how to keep showing up I would be able to do more. Simple. I had to drop the bullshit thoughts of how out of shape I was and that it wasn't good enough.
The days I wanted to quit my husband would offer help. He made sure to be home on time each night so I could go to the Y.
Rather than calling it time to exercise he would say, "I'll be home so you have time for you." Wow. It was the first time I called exercise time for myself. I called it quite a few names in my past but time for me sure wasn't on that list!
When I doubted myself he would talk to me about what I was doing right. I learned to do that for myself. I noticed it felt way better than beating myself up daily for mistakes or years of overeating.
I started to believe in myself a little at a time.
Each time the scale didn't move, I overate on vacation, or ate too much when I was bored, I immediately thought about how I could do better next time.
Soon my clothes were getting big, my energy improved, and I noticed I was seeing life differently. I was breaking the habit of thinking life was too hard. My new thoughts were all about seeing what I could try next.
I lost 100lbs. I've kept it off nearly 14 years now. Who does that? ME! Someone who changes how they think so they can live the life they always wanted.
What I learned is that none of my weight loss would've happened without first changing my thinking. The day I went from "you'll never lose weight," to, "I'm going to figure this out," the world changed.
It freed me from dieting. It was the day my life started.
Now it's my passion to help other women find their life; to feel as good as I do each day. I built PNPTribe so women can voice their fears, ask questions, and get the support they need to have their own journey like I did.
I know what it's like to start your success story. I want to help you create the healthy life you dream of, like I did 100 pounds ago.