I was doing a lot of thinking yesterday while listening on Spotify to my Tibetan Chakra Meditations in the car. My drive taking Logan to 90 minutes of math tutoring AFTER his 90 minutes of regular tutoring can be stressful. He’s tired (but in a good mood) and it just emotionally taxes me. I’m so grateful that baby is a hard worker but I sure wish I could do some of it for him.
He works hard to keep up with grades. I promise this is so he can be an average student. I’m not some overachiever expecting him to be on the honor roll. His autism is mild enough for him to be in mainstream school but enough to make it a challenge to keep up academically with his peers.
The commute is also right in the middle of rush hour and a good drive from our house. The day tends to be a long one for the whole family. Daddy works late waiting on us, dinner is pushed back, blah, blah, blah.
Back to the Tibetan Meditation time. Last night I decided to listen to something freeing. I love those ringing bowls so if you want to dabble in some relaxing hippie action there you go! Sometimes I just lay in the floor and listen to 10 min. of it and either clear my mind or I ask myself a question I need to solve.
You’ve heard me say before that the brain is powerful. It is designed to solve what we give it. Unfortunately, we often ask the wrong questions and we keep getting answers we don’t want. I talk a lot in this blog about fat girl thinking and one way it sneaks in is through the questions we ask ourselves.
Why am I so fat and unmotivated?
Why can’t I love exercise like everyone else?
Why do I eat crap food and have no self-control?
Those are just a few I’ve said to myself in the past and bet some of you say, too. See, your brain is going to answer you. If you ask it why you are so fat it will drive you to eat stuff (and often too much of it) to keep you fat in order to SHOW YOU why you are so fat!
Don’t be a hater on yourself! You asked the question to your brain! You get the answers.
I was thinking about my own questions yesterday. I’ve been focused on getting ready for the pools this summer. My questions have been how are you going to look good for the pool and really vanity related things. I’ve not asked myself questions that call me names but I’ve also not really asked questions that solve anything.
Sure I want to be pool ready. What does that mean? Do I want to look a certain way or am I wanting to have a confidence, swagger, and joy? Through breath and focus I realized I just don’t “feel awesome” right now. It’s not a body image issue. My thighs tightening up and my arms being cut more isn’t going to make me ride hard at the pool.
I thought how do you truly feel? Here’s what I came up with: tired, achy, sore, worried, focused, tight, constricted, and other things. Let me say, if you are at the Vegas pool and you feel like those words your husband isn’t going to be impressed with your thighs. He’s thinking those puppies are going to waste! #keepingitreal
I also honestly took a look at my body. It’s almost 41 years old. It’s not 35 anymore. A lot of my triggers about wanting to look different stemmed from some pics I was searching through the other day. I thought man I looked good back then! Well I did! It was before I started doing a lot of endurance training and I had just stopped competing.
I still look great. I do and it’s OK to enjoy the here and now and appreciate what was. The eye opener was that in those pics I weighed 3 whole lbs less than now. I’m just OLDER and I’ve run off some dang muscle! I can’t change age but I can change my perspective, the level of rest, burning my candle out and my feelings.
So, I had a few aha’s. To FEEL better I gotta do stuff to FEEL better. I want everyone to hold me to this #PNP14days2awesome. I named it that because I want to feel AWESOME.
Starting Monday, I’m doing 14 days of yoga only and 10k steps a day. No running. No weights. Yoga and walking. I’ll still be in the #5amclub but starting with yoga and ending with 10+ min. of meditation. I have loved getting up early. It’s been so good to have my day laid out with work and not just squeezing stuff in left and right.
At the end of the 14 days I do a Tough Mudder with my brother. It will be a great way to celebrate health and family.
Then it’s back to weights! I want to lift and do yoga in the mornings, work a bit, and spend the summer days with Logan trying new things like SUP, yoga, day trip hikes and caves, and more. We have a load of neat things here and he’s ready!
What am I proud of? A few years ago I would NEVER do something like this. The girl who looked so good was scared to not exercise because she was afraid of gaining weight. I’m not worried at all. I’m looking forward to the feelings of connecting with myself, regrouping my mindset, some aches and pains healing up, and changing the words I am feeling.
Right now I am setting an appointment with me to blog the day before the Tough Mudder, May 15, to blog what happened. I would welcome and love comments in my blogs from May 4 – May 17 asking me how it is going.
And hold me to blogging and exploring with Logan this summer. He has such an interesting perspective and I would love to document our summer together if y’all are interested.